False Memories, False Promises and False Hope

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS: There is Nothing here because there never was. It was always this, an empty hollow shell.

Looking Forward to the Past

 

Never imagined there would be days where i would be lost for words. Words that always seemed to flow endlessly  from the recess of my brain and heart into the void of space, have ceased any and all movement. It isn't that i have all of a sudden stopped feeling or over thinking but the opposite. My senses seemed overwhelmed to a point that they are paralyzed, stuck in a cycle of wanting things that were never possible even way back when and are damn right impossible now. It is absurd to the point of being silly and sad but if it were that easy to give up, forget and move on then it would never be haunting me even after a decade.

As time passes and the memories seem to fade you are left with pieces that when brought together may indeed be weaving a falsehood but who is to say that the falsehoods weren't built on truths that were harder to take note then than now. Distance has a benefit of showing new perspectives, perspectives that are obscured by their immediacy. But at the same time it is undeniable that the perspectives from such distances have the obvious flaw of glossing over all the details, the minutia that made all the difference. Whether the minutia is significant and out weighs the greater impressions of the past events is a point of constant debate that is being ragged in my head every day.

 

Looking back seems to raise more questions and the sheer number of questions that seem to crop up makes me wonder how it is that the past can hold so many mysteries when they seemed to be complete while i lived through them.Was it all a dream or am i recollecting them all wrong because the consequences have jaded my perspective. But if the results weren't what they were made out to be is it so wrong to think that the events that led up to those unintended results were just inevitable and i was deluding myself into ignoring all the questions that i seem to be able to see now.

 

I can't help but question if the feelings i felt, the words i was told, the things that were done and the events that happened were as genuine as i took them to be. If their value now is so cheap were they truly as precious. Value can fluctuate in the market when many people hedge their bets but when only two parties are involved and time manages to trash their shared experience something must have been wrong to begin with. 

If one of the two was just an unwilling participant then the value was never truly going to last long for it was a forced sale to begin with. All things, feelings, thoughts, actions and choices would be considered under the influence and hence be tainted. If all you think you knew of the past turns out to be false then how do you take the next step into the future. Where do you gain the confidence to move forward ? This is the question, the crux of reminiscing that seems to be holding me in place. The calendar says its 2021 but I don't seemed to have gone past 2013.