Today i am going to tell you the age old story of a guy meets a gal and then all things go to Hell. The story/stories are not mine, as intellectual property they are but in another sense they aren't, they are your stories. If you have lived life the way it is supposed to then you would have lived through some of them them or at least a slight variant of them. Tales of how feelings, emotions, thoughts in a relationship get tangled, making things messy, indecipherable and confusing. Are you friends? Something more ? Something less ? Are you still friends ? Are you a couple ? Where does it all begin ? Where does it lead ?
I will give you the 360 degree tour of the ways your relationship could have taken. I am not an expert on the subject. Naah, who am i kidding trying to be humble, i am an expert on the Subject Period. And i am gonna give it to you Straight !
A guy spends quality time with you in huge quantities, the gal reciprocates the same with equal vigor. But take it a notch deeper and a field of possibilities unravel. The guy likes her but the gal only thinks of him as a friend, The guy wants to be friends and the gal wants more (This too does happen, maybe rarely but it is not a myth), both are in love but are afraid to lose what they have and act as if they are just friends, both are just friends but because everyone keeps telling them they make a great couple they become one. Add in to this pot the guy's girlfriend and/or the gal's boyfriend and you have a full on drama on your hands.
How many of you can with certainty say that you don't have any romantic feelings towards your bestest friend of the opposite gender ? or How many of you have not considered things were better with your partner when you were friends and that becoming a couple was a mistake ? I am not looking for the answer, don't lie to yourself just honestly answer it to yourself.
Usually no one is right or wrong in these cases. You can't ever be sure of what your feelings are. The possibility of rejection and pain are too daunting a risk. We as a species are not as daring as we project ourselves to be. We will take a plunge into the vast unknown space much more readily than dwell into human emotion, feelings and relations.
The line between friendship and love is truly thin. We have had the luxury of ignoring the proximity of the two at least amongst two people of the same gender but that too is changing now. Each one of us needs to be aware of where we stand because crossing over or staying back in the wrong situation has destroyed many lives. Humans as social beings need company and with the diversifying gender roles, Men and women interact more closely in new roles and contexts blurring the relational distinction lines further.
The confusion all begins with the fundamental approaches of both the genders to a relationship. I am not certain my philosophy about this dilemma applies to the entire world but for India at least my theory is foolproof. Indian culture breeds hypocrisy and ambiguity. This filters into our way of living, our choice of relationships and how we approach them.
Men in India can't approach a woman with an intent to date. (many may argue against it, i am aware that small pockets of strongly westernized groups do exist in India where this is possible but i am talking about the most prevalent contexts) So the only alternative that Men take to is becoming friends first and then down the line when they consider things suited express their interest to date. Here begins the mess.
There are very few differences in the way a guy approaches a gal who he just wants to be friends with and who he wants to date. Even the few differences there are, most gals are totally oblivious to them. Most often depending on whether the gal is interested in the guy she interprets his friendship as just friendship or a step to something more irrespective of what the guy is trying to convey.
Then there is the closeted nature of the typical Indian which will always throw a new reason for not expressing your true feelings to the other person. We fail to grasp the concept that feelings are not some rigid masses that once establish remain as it is for eternity. Friendship can bloom into love or it just can stay the same or shrivel away into nothing.
Friendzoned is a term that exclusively gets associated with guys because in its core the concept is instinctive to woman and alien to men. Woman see friendship as the next best alternative when two people are not compatible or can't be a couple. For woman friendship is just another form of a relation that is as essential as love. For men friendship on most parts is one step short of love, a phase that you pass through onwards to your journey to becoming a couple. If a man's destination is love and you expect him to be happy by getting to friendship you are just mocking him. For men friendship is a means to an end called relationship/dating/commitment. Woman see becoming friends as a gain while men see it as a loss.
Guys cut all ties when their advances get rejected, they don't even stay friends because that never was the goal. Gals on the other hand don't want to lose out the bond they have forged just because they refused the guy's proposal.
Having said that i will like to clarify that men are capable of being just friends but then the chances are he is already seriously and genuinely committed to someone else or he is totally not attracted to you and to him you are basically another guy (for a heterosexual male and for homosexuals guys you are irrelevant anyway).
Gals if you are reading this get these points into your head :
- No single heterosexual guy who spends loads of time, energy, effort or money on you wants to be just friends with you.
- "I like you as a friend" doesn't make anything better.
- You are only deluding yourself into believing that you are not guilty of giving him false hope.
- You are just keeping him on the hook, if you truly wish him well you should cut him loose.
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I will give you different contexts, comment your answers and see how men and women give different answers to the same contexts. There is not right or wrong but just two different answers. Most men and most women will have the same opinions. Do give your reasons for the choice you make.
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- Anjali and Arjun have been friends for more than a decade now. They know each other as well as any two individuals can possibly know. They care very deeply for each other and would do anything to see the other smile. They supported each other through some very bad relationships and life in general. They both are single and are looking to settle down. No arrange marriage in the picture, do they hook up or not ?
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- Anjali has always had a crush on Arjun. They were classmates in college but were never close. But lately re-connected over social networking and they have been getting along really well. But Arjun is committed and is going through a bad break up. Arjun will break up for sure, should Anjali take a chance with Arjun ?
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- Arjun and Anjali got on like fire in the first year. Arjun and Anjali were in their respective relationships but when everyone started believing they were a couple it started to strain their relationships. They decided to go separate ways. Quit hanging out together, basically became strangers. 10 years down the line they both cross paths at their college re-union. Everyone can still see their chemistry but both are married now. Both their spouses(not the same ppl they were in relationship duirng college) know about Arjun and Anjali, Were Arjun and Anajali friends or more in the first year ?
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- Arjun loves Anjali. Anjali know Arjun as a friend of a friend. Arjun eventually becomes good friends with Anjali. Anjali is in a serious commited relationship with a loser guy. Anjali won't break up with the guy but the guy makes her life miserable, Arjun proposes , she asks him to be his friend, what should Arjun do ?
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- Arjun and Anjali were in together for a couple of years. They broke up when they realised they wanted separate things in life. However they knew each other extremely well, had bonded very closely, knew each others deepest darkest secrets and were in love for a brief period. Both went their separate ways. Both had their share of ups and downs in relationships. Both have weddings fixed in the next couple of months. Both wish to become friends again. and stay friends. Everyone from Arjun and Anjali's closest family n friends know about their past relationship except their spouses, Should they be friends now ?
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- Arjun met Anjali. There was instant connection, both fell for each other. But both were full of attitude and wanted the other to come forward and express their feelings. Both didn't relent and eventually became resentful fought bitterly and went their separate ways. Anjali went on to have a good relationship but the guy had an accident and died. Arjun had a really bad relationship went into depression and recovered. After few years Both meet, both are formal co-ordial, apologize and become friends.Both are single, What does Arjun want, what does Anjali want ?
