Blood, Bone and Boundaries

Humans evolved as social beings. This statement always makes we wonder whether humanity's experiment with social co-habitation has been a success or failure. Further it begets the question of how far we have come in the process of achieving a perfect social construct. Does social evolution still have a way to go or are we in the phase of devolving. This is too broad of a subject matter for me to tackle in a post. So i will rather talk about the challenges and complexity of maintaining a balance within the family as seen in the present times. 

Before i dwell deeper lets consider how a social animal benefits overall by giving up certain privileges. A codependent group habitation ensures that the weak have a chance to survive and provides relative safety. For the strong the authority to command is compensation for tolerating and providing for the weak. Power usually is not given its due credit but is just below basic human need for food, clothing and shelter. It is a necessary evil for the sustained existence of the social family construct.

However due to the normalizing impact of advanced technology, Healthcare, Food production, automation and liberation of individualism the social construct may be yielding more troubles than perks that it can provide. The definitions of strong and weak, master and member, hunter and gatherer, wise and ignorant, the roles are all losing their cohesion and relevance. As equalization is growing, the claims to power or rejection of authority; cause for emergence of competing interests, forces, egos, views and ideas. And clashes emerge as various members of the family cling to archaic positions or as others attempt to maximize their utility.

 Now that is a rather bird's eye view on the matter. To make my views more closer to home i will focus on the family dynamics of the Baron Family as seen in the show ,"Everybody Loves Raymond". I realize it is a comedy show and i love the show for what it is but it is difficult for me not to notice the bubbling cauldron of family conflicts that the show presents. I would also like to emphasize that a family stems from the seed of marriage and so one couple will form the central pin around which the family will grow or collide. So Ray and Debra will be the linchpin for my analysis as they were for the show.

 

It has been my general observation that sitcoms across the world irrespective of cultures, languages and genres present conflicts and resolutions within relationships as a natural self-resolving inevitable cycle that in the end always aids in the growth of interpersonal relations. I wouldn't go as far as to say that this is a totally made up thing. But the cycles are not necessarily positive. Instead in most cases the resolutions are never smooth and on occasion even non-existent. It could be seen as ironic that like a cast signs contracts binding them to a show as long as it is on air, the members of a family are bound together by an unstated contract that is binding as long as the equilibrium between power, benefits and grief is maintained. And like a show when a breach of contract occurs the family unravels at an equally astonishing speed.

Let me take a stand for the ease of making things clear. I believe it will be sensible for me to take up the position of Raymond within context of the post. Raymond's basic connections stand as Marrie's beloved son, Debra's idiotic but endearing husband, one of Frank's bothersome but famous son, Robert's annoying but protected brother. The clashes being Marrie's over baring influence and interference in her son's life and family, Frank's plain disregard for behaving like a sensible adult, Robert's constant jealousy and mopping about his life and Debra's power struggles with his mom. 

The show presents an ideal context of how the so called 'LOVE' is used for the devious purpose of tormenting and manipulating one or the other person within the family. In the guise of Love people are bent to one's will into positions that they would never willingly place themselves. A person, in most cases Debra the daughter-in-law is pushed to compromise to ensure harmony. My beef with this being the placement of family harmony on a pedestal. How much is too much. Why is the line drawn clearly for the daughter-in-law ? a line that she is perceived to have crossed whenever she takes any kind of stand. But is not a problem that Marrie seems to have. Anything and everything she does gets a pass as her behavior stems from Love and concern for the family. Just because Marrie is a better manipulator of emotions and yields more control, she is always right. Raymond never stays objective in his role as an arbiter in the family conflicts. His usual argument is that his mom is too stubborn and would never relinquish her hold so it falls to Debra to be the bigger person and give ground. I can relate to the difficulty of being placed between a rock and a hard place but one can always know when you are taking the easy way out from that tricky place. And Raymond always chooses the soft easy way out of snubbing Debra in public and patronizing her privately.

This specific establishment of hierarchy based on ill conceived ideas of family roles, values and virtues is forcing the family structure into a place where it is being seen more and more as a shackle. The hypocrisy of the neutral family member, switching on what/who is right depending on which person has the most to repeal if declared to have been on the wrong is the root culprit. The only way i forsee for humans to continue being a social animal is to embrace the idea of openness and flexibility of roles. Realization that just because my previous generation did things a certain way doesn't mean that is the only way things can be done and should be done today will take things a long way. There are no hard and fast rules for having a happy content family. You constantly have to re-calibrate and reform to ensure no one person is left to bare the burden of maintaining harmony. Compromise is unavoidable but that doesn't need to be at the cost of one's individuality. Open communication no matter how hard to say or hear is crucial and when cultivated will open the doors for the final phase of our evolution as social beings.  

Firsts in America

Where shall i begin? ... So an Indian [Original, not the one with mistaken identity] is now living in America, it begins the day i landed in the United States of America. I got to Tampa after a long flight of over 30 hours. Just a day or two before Christmas. I remember when i got here, i am deliberately being vague to give myself an air of unnecessary mystery. So i was saying, in fact the entire journey from Hyderabad to Tampa; start to end took an excess of 48 hours. My first purchase made in American Dollars, a heart stopping 11$ [Well roughly 700 rupees, you have to understand fresh off the plane, i was still on Indian currency] for a sandwich, was in the Dallas airport and my first meal since i set foot in America.

Technically i should count my first flight, my first time away from India, my first meal 30000 ft above ground, my first poop 30000 ft above ground [ i know i am going for cheap laughs but i couldn't not mention this comic gold], my first thorough inspection by an Indian Descendant airport security personnel [the British were too classy to even consider doing the security check themselves] in London's Heathrow terminal as part of - "routine security check" as my American firsts. But i will discount these as inevitable unavoidable mundane tasks of life when traveling on the perilous paths of the world.

Dallas Airport offered me more firsts, my first nightcap in an airport terminal, my first live football match [the American kind] on TV [i am not sure if watching 'The last Yard',' The Replacements', 'The blind side', 'The Game plan' etc counts as having watched a football match], my first night being upset that the AC was working too damn well, my first time talking to an ex - since i landed [ We all know these kinds of firsts have no end]. I wish i could say my first time struggle to sleep at night because of jet lag, but as i suspected i was already functioning on the USA timezone well before i left India, so i was perfectly fine. Now only if my mom could agree that back then when i said "I am staying awake all night preparing for my Masters", i was actually being honest.

After a short flight i landed in Tampa and here i have stayed ever since [It just has been ten months, i might be overselling it, so just clarifying] . I still have a hard time believing that i landed in Tampa with no confirmation on the place to stay or an alternative in case my expectations fell through. In retrospect i might have deserved the small stroke i got when the Leasing office at my Apartment complex wasn't certain if my apartment was available for me to take possession. After lugging three goddamn gigantic bags including one broken big-ass suitcase i was in no state to find alternatives. I would have just setup shop on the curb, still not sure whether doing that would have been legal or allowed or the bigger question safe.

I did get into my Apartment. The one i chose , far away from any possible comfort that one could draw from the herd. Though one good meal and a good sleep later, my decision to stay in a non conventional setting [typically, broke ass people like me who are dependent on money from India smartly stay together in unfurnished economical settings with more people in the apartment than the number of bedrooms in it] turned out to be the best decision i have taken in a long while. I found myself in a unique living setting [ at least as far as i know] with one black, one brown [that being me] and one white person in the apartment. Though ironically against most stereotypes my black roommate is the least black person i know [ however i am obligated to reveal that my knowledge of how black people act/behave or their culture is all drawn from tv,movies,youtube and internet so it is messed up to begin with], i am the least brown person they know and my white roommate is the least white person i know. I hope you do understand that when i say we are the least white/black/brown i mean metaphorically, our skin colours are in the truest sense black, brown and white. On that note the first time i was very conscious of the possibility of very distinct skin colours also happened when i got to America.

Now that shelter was taken care of, next item on the list of firsts to survive was food. I think i am safe to say - Like most Americans i walked into Walmart, considering Walmart is the biggest chain of stores in the World. It was my first Walmart but i can't call it my first brush with big commercial stores. My Indian friends would share my feelings, we have been to Super markets, Hyper markets, The Spencers, the Metros, The Big Bazaars - one stop shopping Indian style. Though there are distinct differences in the kind of stuff, quality, quantity and range that we would find in India to what i found in Walmart. The Produce [Indian version - Vegetables] aisle in Walmart is abysmal, there is quantity but there is no variety at all. The meat section however has an upper hand, not in the freshness aspect but in the types specifically: Pork, Beef and Turkey. I will end this first here and leave the debate of Fresh killed meat VS the frozen meats for another post.

 

I did manage to make a grave error in my hunt for food. As is my nature i went over board with my excitement to do everything and got more stuff than what i could carry. Despite the Walmart store being a few minutes away, the walk back took me half an hour with me huffing for air by the time i got home. Next on the agenda, establishing communications. Since the day i laid my hands on a cellphone, there was never a day that passed by without me having used it. But America forced me into not one , not two but ten days of life without a cellphone. A mix up and my nostalgia for the old days of freedom and peace resulted in me not immediately getting a new phone. Those ten days whatsapp[on my laptop] was my life line to communicate to people back home. It did help that it was the Holiday season [Christmas in America is like the Summer Holidays in India, we take a break when it is too hot, they take a break when it is too cold]. I walked around enough to be too tired to care about a phone.

A unique set of firsts, these should be common to most international students or immigrants who come to America, that relate to America but are not truly American occur during the first few months of arrival. People from back home try to showcase and re-affirm their knowledge of America, based of the stuff that they have heard of or have seen or expect it to be like in America. Typically most of those inquiries maybe not far off from the truth. But my staying in Tampa in a living situation that was not usual, made all those inquiries and my corresponding answers atypical.

Being December in America it was cold, but not too cold, there was no snow. I cooked but i was never big into home cooked meals so i didn't miss Indian food. I was happier being alone, comfortable in my own space. There was no cultural shock because the rest of the World is exposed, in some cases even overexposed to American culture. I was neither awed nor depressed that i was in America. It was a new place, a new start, i was excited for new experiences and more firsts but never overwhelmed. Equal rights - gender, race, sexual orientation etc were something i strongly believed in even when i was in India and they have only become more resolute since i have been in the states. I will say , there definitely is an appeal to America, that even though the World bitches about it, they still come here. It may at times get annoying but America is definitely a Free country, on most counts compared to the rest of the world. Though the Gun culture, a first, was one of the few things that was very difficult to wrap my head around. I still don't agree with Guns but i definitely understand why they are so integral to the American culture and history.

There are many parallels, many differences and many similarities that i will address in future posts. But I hope and believe there will always be many more firsts in/with/about America that i will experience and share with you. Throughout the post i have tried to do a better job at segue but i realized i suck at that and i could at the very least use the word in the proper context, job done! 

If you have any nostalgic firsts that you would like to share then please do comment and don't forget to share.

Clarification on my version of India and Hinduism

After more than a year of Modi's/BJP's government, for both being a Hindu and as one who voted for him/them I feel the need to clarify things. My actions, my vote I believe is being constantly misinterpreted by the fanatic right. They keep projecting me and others like me as a part of their rhetoric, one that I vehemently disagree with. My vote of support was pro progress not pro communal anti secular ideas. I am pro India not pro Hindutva. Actually I may be pro Hindutva too but that may not be the same Hindutva that the RSS or other right wingers project. Well debating the true essence of Hindutva as I or most of my generation see it is another facet to how the projection maybe getting distorted.

I will not talk for the masses but I will talk for the others who are like me. For us Hindutva has always been about tolerance, I choose to be identified as a Hindu not because of my religious adherence or reverence for one or many of the millions of gods in Hinduism but because I see Hinduism as a way of life. As being inclusive of ethnicity, cultures, religions, morality and foremost tolerance. The diversity of what it means to be Hindu is what holds me to it. The day it turns into a mutated rigid unyielding list of tenants that promote discrimination or fascist ideology I will as easily denounce my identity as a Hindu.

So after the elaboration on version of Hindutva that I believe in it must be easier for you to understand where I am coming from. Democracy in all its virtues is also flawed and anyone who thinks otherwise is just fooling themselves. I was among those people last year who rejoiced when the Congress was crushed and couldn’t even muster enough seats to take up the title of opposition. But I see the error in my thoughts. I apologise for celebrating a victory of a party which was in fact a failure of democracy and my nation. Democracy is at its highest efficiency with a strong opposition. Democracy is about keeping power distributed, enforcing accountability and moderation of either leftist or rightist extremism. But with this lope-sided mandate we might have caused skewing of all these balancing factors.

Going back to my vote, you have to realise the limitations and context within which the vote was cast for the person it was cast to. In a ballot you choose the best of what you have at offer. I cannot explicitly express my reasons why I chose to vote for the person. Any person may stand for a multitude of ideas or atleast that is what a politician is all about. Mincing different images for various demographics.  For the many ideas that Modi/his party stood for if I got a chance I would have told them that if they stick to their communal ideology I would rather have a corrupt guy who doesn’t discriminate who he screws over than the selective virtuous guy who only screws over one particular section of society.

I have caught myself praying on many occasion for the last one year, praying that Modi would make the right choice. There are multiple points of concern in my prayer itself. I didn’t pray for the government to take a right step I was praying about Modi, I and most of the nation has unconsciously accepted the fact that he is the sole centre of power. But that is completely anti democratic. Either it is our bias or a fact , in both looking upto a person and not to the system as the final authority that drives the nation is a bad bad sign. Secondly, I was praying not hoping because I knew we didn’t have the right proportions in the parliament that could moderate opposing points of view to reach a rational consensus. No one man or one group or one party can ever hope to represent the diverse needs or opinions of India. And as it stands this diversity is not representative and this worries me.

I take responsibility for playing a part in this. For being wilfully ignorant , for being short sighted, for becoming a part of the hysteria without understanding the right way the democratic form of governance was envisioned. I may be saying the same line that the right wingers are saying but what I mean and what they represent are not the same. India is India only because of its vast diversity; Hinduism is Hinduism because of its constant evolution. Because it is, for lack of a better analogy, like the river Ganges which is ever accepting a confluence of different rivers into a seamless unity while retaining it individual identity. Maybe I can put it more clearly if I summarise, for me being Hindu and being Secular are the same. I am secular so I am Hindu and I am Hindu so I am Secular. Hinduism is not a religion and telling yourself anything else is just a doctrine that you have accepted as truth. The day the diversity, religious/cultural/language/any other values is snubbed out that day India and Hinduism will cease to exist. I can’t reiterate enough that I am a Hindu but I am not anti anything unless the anything is bigotry, -ism of any kind, discrimination, intolerance and restriction of rights.