Eternal Dilemma of the Clueless Heart

Today i am going to tell you the age old story of a guy meets a gal and then all things go to Hell. The story/stories are not mine, as intellectual property they are but in another sense they aren't, they are your stories. If you have lived life the way it is supposed to then you would have lived through some of them them or at least a slight variant of them. Tales of how feelings, emotions, thoughts in a relationship get tangled, making things messy, indecipherable and confusing. Are you friends? Something more ? Something less ? Are you still friends ? Are you a couple ? Where does it all begin ? Where does it lead ?

I will give you the 360 degree tour of the ways your relationship could have taken. I am not an expert on the subject. Naah, who am i kidding trying to be humble, i am an expert on the Subject Period. And i am gonna give it to you Straight !

A guy spends quality time with you in huge quantities, the gal reciprocates the same with equal vigor. But take it a notch deeper and a field of possibilities unravel. The guy likes her but the gal only thinks of him as a friend, The guy wants to be friends and the gal wants more (This too does happen, maybe rarely but it is not a myth), both are in love but are afraid to lose what they have and act as if they are just friends, both are just friends but because everyone keeps telling them they make a great couple they become one. Add in to this pot the guy's girlfriend and/or the gal's boyfriend and you have a full on drama on your hands.

How many of you can with certainty say that you don't have any romantic feelings towards your bestest friend of the opposite gender ? or How many of you have not considered things were better with your partner when you were friends and that becoming a couple was a mistake ? I am not looking for the answer, don't lie to yourself just honestly answer it to yourself.

Usually no one is right or wrong in these cases. You can't ever be sure of what your feelings are. The possibility of rejection and pain are too daunting a risk. We as a species are not as daring as we project ourselves to be. We will take a plunge into the vast unknown space much more readily than dwell into human emotion, feelings and relations.

 

The line between friendship and love is truly thin. We have had the luxury of ignoring the proximity of the two at least amongst two people of the same gender but that too is changing now. Each one of us needs to be aware of where we stand because crossing over or staying back in the wrong situation has destroyed many lives. Humans as social beings need company and with the diversifying gender roles, Men and women interact more closely in new roles and contexts blurring the relational distinction lines further.

The confusion all begins with the fundamental approaches of both the genders to a relationship. I am not certain my philosophy about this dilemma applies to the entire world but for India at least my theory is foolproof. Indian culture breeds hypocrisy and ambiguity. This filters into our way of living, our choice of relationships and how we approach them.

Men in India can't approach a woman with an intent to date. (many may argue against it, i am aware that small pockets of strongly westernized groups do exist in India where this is possible but i am talking about the most prevalent contexts) So the only alternative that Men take to is becoming friends first and then down the line when they consider things suited express their interest to date. Here begins the mess. 

There are very few differences in the way a guy approaches a gal who he just wants to be friends with and who he wants to date. Even the few differences there are, most gals are totally oblivious to them. Most often depending on whether the gal is interested in the guy she interprets his friendship as just friendship or a step to something more irrespective of what the guy is trying to convey.

Then there is the closeted nature of  the typical Indian which will always throw a new reason for not expressing your true feelings to the other person. We fail to grasp the concept that feelings are not some rigid masses that once establish remain as it is for eternity. Friendship can bloom into love or it just can stay the same or shrivel away into nothing. 

Friendzoned is a term that exclusively gets associated with guys because in its core the concept is instinctive to woman and alien to men. Woman see friendship as the next best alternative when two people are not compatible or can't be a couple. For woman friendship is just another form of a relation that is as essential as love. For men friendship on most parts is one step short of love, a phase that you pass through onwards to your journey to becoming a couple. If a man's destination is love and you expect him to be happy by getting to friendship you are just mocking him. For men friendship is a means to an end called relationship/dating/commitment. Woman see becoming friends as a gain while men see it as a loss. 

Guys cut all ties when their advances get rejected, they don't even stay friends because that never was the goal. Gals on the other hand don't want to lose out the bond they have forged just because they refused the guy's proposal. 

Having said that i will like to clarify that men are capable of being just friends but then the chances are he is already seriously and genuinely committed to someone else or he is totally not attracted to you and to him you are basically another guy (for a heterosexual male and for homosexuals guys you are irrelevant anyway).

Gals if you are reading this get these points into your head :

• No single heterosexual guy who spends loads of time, energy, effort or money on you wants to be just friends with you.
• "I like you as a friend" doesn't make anything better. 
• You are only deluding yourself into believing that you are not guilty of giving him false hope. 
• You are just keeping him on the hook, if you truly wish him well you should cut him loose.

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I will give you different contexts, comment your answers and see how men and women give different answers to the same contexts. There is not right or wrong but just two different answers. Most men and most women will have the same opinions. Do give your reasons for the choice you make.

__________

• Anjali and Arjun have been friends for more than a decade now. They know each other as well as any two individuals can possibly know. They care very deeply for each other and would do anything to see the other smile. They supported each other through some very bad relationships and life in general. They both are single and are looking to settle down. No arrange marriage in the picture, do they hook up or not  ?

 __________

• Anjali has always had a crush on Arjun. They were classmates in college but were never close. But lately re-connected over social networking and they have been getting along really well. But Arjun is committed and is going through a bad break up. Arjun will break up for sure, should Anjali take a chance with Arjun ?

 __________

• Arjun and Anjali got on like fire in the first year. Arjun and Anjali were in their respective relationships but when everyone started believing they were a couple it started to strain their relationships. They decided to go separate ways. Quit hanging out together, basically became strangers. 10 years down the line they both cross paths at their college re-union. Everyone can still see their chemistry but both are married now. Both their spouses(not the same ppl they were in relationship duirng college) know about Arjun and Anjali, Were Arjun and Anajali friends or more in the first year ? 

 __________

• Arjun loves Anjali. Anjali know Arjun as a friend of a friend. Arjun eventually becomes good friends with Anjali. Anjali is in a serious commited relationship with a loser guy. Anjali won't break up with the guy but the guy makes her life miserable, Arjun proposes , she asks him to be his friend, what should Arjun do ?

 __________

• Arjun and Anjali were in together for a couple of years. They broke up when they realised they wanted separate things in life. However they knew each other extremely well, had bonded very closely, knew each others deepest darkest secrets and were in love for a brief period. Both went their separate ways. Both had their share of ups and downs in relationships. Both have weddings fixed in the next couple of months. Both wish to become friends again. and stay friends. Everyone from Arjun and Anjali's closest family n friends know about their past relationship except their spouses, Should they be friends now ?

 __________

• Arjun met Anjali. There was instant connection, both fell for each other. But both were full of attitude and wanted the other to come forward and express their feelings. Both didn't relent and eventually became resentful fought bitterly and went their separate ways. Anjali went on to have a good relationship but the guy had an accident and died. Arjun had a really bad relationship went into depression and recovered. After few years Both meet, both are formal co-ordial, apologize and become friends.Both are single, What does Arjun want, what does Anjali want ?    

Excellent Chemistry, Horrible Timing !!!

You may think this cheesy and corny but when have i stopped because of what you think !!! 

If you do intend to read it then do so imagining a cheery voice in a folksy tune singing the words to you. Otherwise just don't read it !!!

So there she was busy as a bee, fluttering her angelic wings as she spread her dazzle across the floor minding her business. I noted her entry, fancied a glimpse but held up the act of indifference for i didn't want to be the regular chum awaiting her favor.  Lost in a haze of the then woes i let her walk out of my sight but she already had made a place in the core of my soul.

Inevitable as it was i kept bumping into her, fate or providence didn't let her out of my mind even when i didn't try. The least i could do was get to know her better, far as i maybe i wanted to be closer. It would be a miracle if perfection such as her was single but hope and love rarely travel apart. 

Admirers were aplenty, scores of peasants fell like reed swat by the wind seeking her attention. Routine was out of the equation, the long game was the only play open to exploration. Intel was scattered as amateurs with little heart had only gathered bits and pieces before losing the drive to see it to the end. It took time, patience and wit to spread the web, reel in the pieces to paint a solid picture.

Deeper i fell with the greater i learnt, how was it that such a soul hadn't walked into my life sooner than later. She shouldn't be out of sight no longer and as things would have it, a link opened up which i intend to fully use up. Patiently over time, covertly i let slip my fervor for her to the public at large, raising a clear mark for all my dear to clear away any feelings they may harbor. 

If things go on without a hiccup this wouldn't be life but a dream or a fairy tale. I was too late for there was already one, holding the palace of her heart. Crashing and thrashing was not my style i chose to withdraw to preserve my dignity and protect her tranquility. Devoid as i maybe of something amazing, her joy was too valuable to be squandered over my petty squabble.

Paths lead us away on separate journeys but somethings are never lost forever. After years something in me stirred me to try, try to make a contact to see what i gave up could be nourished. I hoped and wished for a better luck this time, things did improve but not how i imagined. She was as perfect as i perceived, i may go on to say perfecter than possible. However a thorn had now turned into a titan sword, thrust into my heart when the pain she suffers washed over my adulation and glee.

Bonkers is he for even blind and stupid would think twice before hurting her. The idiot has gone on to bring up the thought of ending it with her. Oh, i cringe whenever a tear trickles down her cheek, for every drop of precious is wasted on a loser who doesn't realize how lucky he is. Crushed with the realization that time had done all the damage it had to and somethings are too far gone to salvage. I retain my passion for her, many things have changed but love can never waver.  

A Heart's Monologue

On a stormy night, I was taking a walk in the park. A lightning bolt chose me as its medium to poke the ground. It could have split me vertically, incinerated every organ in my body, burnt me to a crisp but instead it decided to free my heart from the clutches of the man upstairs, my brain. The jailor was M.I.A. now, thoughts were dismissed from administration, a new found freedom unleashed a flood of emotions that had been under lock and key. As is the nature of water rushing down stream to envelope all that it can consume, the monologue will first devour then will settle in, to establish peace and lay out a way for serenity to take root.

~ Heart ~

 Unleashed - Unhinged - Unhindered - Uninhibited - Unapologetic - Unfiltered

I am not a toddler who begins cooing, moves to cawing, utters incoherent syllables, vocalizes random words, forms sentences, turns into an adult who loses touch with his/her core and becomes a socially accepted replica of self. I have never gone through these stages for i was always treated as a mute , under the anarchy of the brain, presumed dumb. I don't run on thoughts, i run on emotions. I feel, i convey. I am a simple muscle with simplistic duties and life. My voice is muffled on most occasions and even i agree the brain does it with the noblest of intentions, with the best interest of my host at the core but sometimes the best intentions are not the right choices. Today fate has broken my shackles and give me a voice loud enough to reach you. I fully intend to make this miracle count.

I pulsate to facilitate the dispersion of rejuvenating vital oxygen. I pulsate to infuse love into my host. I am hard wired to give away all that i hold conditionally as long as i keep receiving. Philosophers spout nonsensical stuff from their brains that sound true but lack emotional footing and say love is a one directionally flowing entity, well your heart disagrees and so do I. Response, reciprocation, return and reflection of emotions is what allows me to function relentlessly. Filtering and judging the intent, integrity and intensity of what gets sent to me is not in my nature. I ache when i falter, when i fall, when i make a mistake. Someone did say to err is Human and i am just being a devoted part of the whole. But i never give up, never lose hope for the day i do my host ceases to exist and that can only be at the end. I am built to walk, to pace, to strut, to jog, to sprint, to run not just for my host's physical actions but to respond to that special being whose absence maybe lethal to his existence.

Strength that i display cannot be measured, understood, calculated, calibrated, scaled or contained, it can only be perceived by another heart willing to share the space and time. The enormity of effort put into supporting another ailing heart is lost in the pleasure of alleviating another. But pain like energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be shared and broken into smaller pieces that can be ruminated and digested at leisure. I have endured tremendous courses of buffets endangering the entire process itself. Servicing is over due and the red signs are blaring away sounding irking alarms.

Always on the hunt for the sympathetic heart to lean on, to share with and to flourish alongside, my strength needs replenishing and the hunt has been more of a burden than a relief. Scars run deep , some crisscross as pain from the ailing heart and pain created by the ailing heart mingle. Imagine breathing under a few tonnes of cotton smothering your body. Cotton is soft, smooth, soothing and bliss but when it becomes painfully heavy you run out of things to do, routes to take.

Limitless tales of heart-ache come to me but it would be too much of a depressing narrative even for me. Will tell you of the most significant of them for a slightly altered version of this has/has been/is happening with you, listen closely and your heart will agree. My host laid eyes first, the bastard is the cause for most of my suffering and joy, ages ago with the brain barely registering the perfect mate in the hale of all that was visible to the eye. I screamed my throat away , urged my host to take notice, run after and embrace tranquility that was just a hand's reach away but who wants to lend an ear to the mute. 

Time, a best friend who obliterates the need to have any enemies, passed over. My overload, brain, finally did take notice, take out his check list of personality traits, qualities, habits, conditions and clauses. After a thorough analysis and re-runs decide that in the best interest of my host the idea was bad or too difficult or too risky or too complicated to pursue. I expressed my deepest opposition to the decision, i fret, i flutter, i fluster but my lord decided it was time to move on to a greener pasture. Time yet again, this time truly playing the role of my best friend, managed to sway my liege to take my plea seriously. A communication with the soul-mate was established, the connect thrived, flourished and bloomed. But spring was too short and uncooperative to allow the buds to bloom to a full. The bud shriveled out  under a relentless onslaught of colluding third party evil spawn who had vested interest in the life and choices of the mate. The mate's ruling brain was coerced into enraging and then subsequently disengaging all ties. All that is left now is a longing for a ghost connection that was too good to be erased or forgotten, too distant to be salvaged, too hopeless to be optimistic and the end too bad to be forgiven or to retry.

After the multitude of hits i have endured, i remain stubborn , foolishly optimistic and ideally romantic, wishing for a indistinguishably entwined harmonious synchronous heart. I continue to pester the most likable, love n all its verb forms being too cliched and most times wrongly over used words in any language, heart with all the care and attention that i can muster. Waves of anguish threaten to through me overboard into the pits of despair. I cling to the prow of the life boat with memories of the bygone mates, looking out for the land of dreams as an aspiration for posterity.   

I want You, I can't have You !

How often have we asked ourselves this ? Is our longing for what we can't have/left behind just a desperate attempt to hold on to something out of sheer fear of the new ? Why do we reach out only when the chips are down and out ? Will we reach out if we knew we could actually take the hand awaiting us ? Why are we so obsessed with what we want that we can't see the hand stretched towards us ? Doesn't it make us blind and just as wrong ? Aren't we like the dogs running after cars who do it just out of love for the chase ?

Do we blame our present ? Can't we get over our past ? Will we stop dreading the future ? 

Who :

Who defines your happiness ? Who holds you back from breaking the shackles of conventional norms ? Who defines your way forward ? Who do you hold out for ? Who is right enough for you so much so that you ignore all the their wrongs ?

What :

What is the point of regret ? What are you hoping for by reminiscing ?  What should we be doing for the one we love ? What did they do to deserve your life ? What meaning can you make out of the unknown ?

When :

When will you take responsibility for your life ? When will the end mark a new beginning ? When should you give up ? When do you not think of them ? When can they blame themselves for your expectations ?

Where :

Where in time can you live out your life ? Where are the differences lost ? Where are bonds  untied and unraveled ? Where should they back you from ? Where do their expectations fall in your priorities ?

Why :

Why does moving on mean letting go of your past ? Why don't you realize that burying is not accepting ? Why are the differences regained ? Why won't you talk to them till after it is too late ? Why don't we acknowledge their feelings ?

How :

How do you move on in life ? How does love limit you from falling in love again ? How complicated should life be to stop you from running in loops ? How can you miss them but only if you have free time ? How can you expect them to do the unexpected ?

#2 FEMALE ~ Flinger / Fighter / Familiar / Firmer / Floater / Fairy

What better way to continue my post than with a sequel focusing on the other side of the coin - WOMAN.

To Men : Getting into the heads of your opponent is the first step to Winning. They don't get simpler than this.
To Women : Just Read and Identify yourself  !

As is the practice these days, i will begin with a disclaimer for the people who misunderstand easily than understand what i am trying to say in my post.

                                             

 Disclaimer

Firstly if you think this is a post about how horrible, WOMEN are then just stop reading and leave. Now that the ass holes have left my page, to the remaining sensible(hopefully!!!) readers, this post will talk about the kind of women i have come across. The good The bad The ugly and The between (Psychological Personalitywise not the physical segmentation ). Do understand i am not claiming to have seen all the specimens of the species nor are you to conclude that my observations are intentionally derogatory or biased. They are mere perceptions and observations extracted from lives and people around me. I didn't hold back when i gave up the darkest places in a Man's mind and heart, i will show no mercy to WOMAN. I am an absolute believer in equality. I am placing my faith, in my right to express within reasonable constraint not to offend anyone or anything.

A Woman's heart is a maze in a haze with numerous pitfalls to navigate and never with an easy path in or out. Their cycle of love doesn't have or go through phases the way men do. For women the boundaries between the phases are blurry, intertwined and entangled. To establish some sense of flow for the directional Male readers , i will give out profiles (totally made up by me and can't be backed by any empirical data so you can choose to trash them just don't trash me) of different women grouped by their social behaviours/thoughts/mindsets based on women that i have crossed paths with. Again i am not trying to go all Dr. Phil on you. I don't mean to direct any of my observations towards any particular person. It is about giving an insight for Men about how women work, similar to the way my previous post was to enlighten WOMEN.

The Flinger :

You don't notice them they notice you. She is in your face before you can blink. She is always on the prowl for an easy meal. Lies roll off her tongue like water of off a glacier. With little morals or ethics she runs after anything that shines. She would be the one to steal your boyfriend or wife or the one cheating on her husband/boy friend for all the wrong reasons(I do believe there can be right reasons to cheat on someone). Power, Wealth, Popularity and Luxury are her biggest turn ons. She is more lustful than loving. She may or may not be physically attractive but definitely is loud, snoopy and slutty. They are the female equivalent of Casanova. Don't assume that the young beautiful woman you see on an old wealthy fart's arm to be from this category. Some of them truly are in LOVE. The Flinger is the one who will move on to greener pastures the minute  they learn that the current well has dried out.

After each line if you went "This is not me, This is not me, Thank God this is never me". Then you are a BORE !

The Fighter :

First thing you will notice about her is she is her favourite. They Love themselves. So they crave the best in everything. But they thrive under attention that is their deepest unrequited desire . Make her feel like she is the reincarnation of goddess Aphrodite. Easy to impress. They reach high but settle low.It is difficult for them to let go of their DREAM LOVE but they in the end take a practical way out.The best may get her the lime light she wants but the light is a secondary reflection. They love their freedom, they can flirt with other guys but for their man flirting or even getting friendly is a strict no-no. So most of their relationships are with guys who are insecure, who dote on them and patiently put up with all of their fits. They LOVE you ardently too. But stop running after them and things will start going south pretty quickly. Stand in the way of their happiness and they will fight with you/their family/the society/anyone for whatever they choose from CAREER, YOU, HER FAMILY, ANYONE, ANYTHING !

Most independent modern woman are Fighters. Men still have to deal with their insecurities before they begin to appreciate a Strong woman.

The Familiar :

One of two categories of WOMAN who a guy would need to be very very lucky to have as a partner. At the same time has to be very very lucky or unlucky to have crossed paths with her depending on whether they stay together or not. The familiar is the most lovable and most complicated woman of all. She has the clearest(As clear as woman can get) of ideas on family, values, love, friendship, career and life. They understand their constraints, limitations well enough. But they also know when the right guy walks into their life. This is the cause of their greatest joy and misery based on how flexible or rigid her world is.These women are the intellectual,sensible, sensitive and rational ones who plan and prepare. They have set of goals for their careers. List of qualities they want in their ideal guy. The qualities are not over the top but realistic. The draw back is that they are not flexible. Their priorities rarely change. So when they are put in a corner and forced to choose between two things they want, say family or you, you or career, family or career they freak out. Mess up. They are the hardest guys find to forget or ignore as they lack any kind of malice. In a rational world, these WOMAN would be the happiest of the lot to be around, living life to the fullest but due to their morality they are the most restrained conflicted woman. No one enforces those limitations on them. They do it to themselves to avoid PAIN to the significant others in their lives. They are not self centered but they do have a center, which can be anything. All their world revolves around that one center. The center never changes, no matter how overwhelming the evidence saying that the center is the cause of misery in their life, the center will never lose its prominence. If you are in a relationship with them and if her family/career/whatever is the center, if is aligned to your life then you have hit the jack pot. If not based on her priority list the lower ranked items who ever or whatever they are have to go. They give their 110 percent in a relationship. Break up when necessary with equal resolve. Who ever they marry they become committed wives with utmost fervor. 

In Relationship : With her HEAVEN. After : Without her HELL.

~ Turns out more Woman identify themselves with this, which is actually BAD for MEN everywhere ~

The Firmer :

Guys who wished they could hold on to their Familiars, you still have a shot at Happiness ! Second Category of the Ideal woman a Man can hope for. Very similar to the Familiar but more resolved and resolute. Differing primarily on the fact that they are relatively flexible in their priorities. Have more fore sight and take a call on relationships prior to getting into them than getting into a relationship and then worrying about how to mange them. Guys will find them very approachable but cross your limits and you will receive a good smack right across your face. Believer of friendships, companionship but distant from a relationship. Tad bit more practical than the familiar but equally sensible, smart, intellectual etc. If the Familiar have 60-40 heart to brains, then the Firmer have 60-40 brains to heart ratio. Romance is not high on their cards but loyalty, respect, financial security and social status are highly valued by them. They are firm in their decisions, not that they are not plagued by the characteristic confusion woman have but they have a better grip on it. A decision once taken is rarely revoked. They don't fight but plan ahead ensuring they get through things without having the need to offend, engage, argue or fight with any significant person in their lives. If they foresee a conflict they just drop the issue then and there. Guys are better off trying to get to these woman through their families than directly approaching them. Get the family's approval and you are good to go.

Woman if you were reading this and went "STOP ! Am i a Firmer or a Familiar?" then you are most probably not a Firmer.

The world would be a more happier place if there were more of YOU !

The Floater :

These women are truly the Damsel in distress you see in the fairy tales. Guys will never manage to keep them out of trouble. They will need some one to be at their beck and call all the time. They are innocent, fallible and down right dumb. They are sweet but frustratingly stupid woman. Easily manipulated and influenced, these woman usually are under the wing of one of the other category of woman. Usually the floater are invisible as their identity is lost in the shadow of the dominant other category WOMAN. With no particular direction in mind, going with the flow of times, doing what her close circle directs her to do(can be her family, group of friends or any random stranger), on the look out for their prince charming. They do have their hidden views, desires, aims and goals but are more comfortable playing safe. They are terrified of failure, vulnerable and insecure. The most exploited grouping of woman. Limited by their exposure, either due to social restraints, paternal pampering or abuse and other helpless reasons they remain in their shells building a cocoon of fragile glass. Most woman in this phase eventually move into other personalities depending on the kind of life experiences they have and interpret.

You make the best DAUGHTERS ~ difficult Girl friends ~ handful Wives !

The Fairy :

It might as well be blasphemy to include this grouping here but it is still a rare but existing group of WOMAN. This is not a passing phase. This is the ultimate form. There is no changing from this if she gets here. They may have begun in any of the other five groupings but they take all the lessons life had offered them and convert it into something beautiful. They too crave love but they are not limited by the kind of relationship(from a MAN/FAMILY/ANYTHING). Risen above petty confusions of choice , they strive for a dream , to achieve a goal bigger than themselves, to leave a mark on society at large. They are not big on show off, you know them by the emotion they evoke in your heart that they truly are Fairies. This group might as well be mythical if not for the few existing WOMAN who embody all the perfections and none of the flaws of WOMANHOOD.

There can be no assurance that a WOMAN in one grouping may at any instant either belong to just one group or may continue to be in a group all her life. Woman can move around these segments or be a mix of them, they are too complex to be so simplified. MEN can only pray to god that the WOMAN in their life is in the right group or has the right mix !

One thing that you should be vary about the most with any woman is, you can be damn well sure that she is trying to impress you and wants you to be impressed by her but she has no intentions of having any kind of relationship you more than your full attention. You can wonder that this maybe true in a sense about men too but believe you me when i tell you that however attracted a guy maybe to her if he is trying then he is going for a score and nothing less.

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Had fun reading then SHARE and follow me. Hated it then SHARE even more, why should you be the only one to suffer and waste your time.

Don't agree with what i said, leave a comment, let's see you prove me Wrong !
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~ You may be the wisest in the land, but if you love a woman then irrationality is your only savior to avoid insanity.

 

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